how I want to live this life
Monday, 5 April 2021 01:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwariumI finished the last episode of Super Vocal and I was gripped with a feeling that I’ve been trying to sort out ever since. Seeing other people work for their dreams makes me want to reflect on my own, and figure out what I’m doing with my life, where I’m going.
Ah, let me go back first.
Super Vocal is a Chinese singing competition that collected 36 classically trained male singers. It’s a ‘competition’ but there were no eliminations, so everyone worked and grew together. The camaraderie and chemistry were so wholesome because everyone interacted regardless of their fame or experience. There were so many stages where you were wowed by veterans, or feel your heart surge as a rookie learnt through criticism, or warmed because you can see one generation guiding the next, youthful enthusiasm and calm maturity in one song.
The tone of the show was different because the producers had a purpose and the contestants had a mission. It had the farce of a reality show, but there was an undercurrent of ambition that I could feel beneath the humour and the tension and the entertainment (and some hilariously staged drama and product placement).
Opera, folk music, classical music, and musicals — these are subculture in China. Mainstream entertainment is disproportionately popular, the masses flock to pop stars and movies and games, but ‘highbrow’ culture is a minority interest and there is an immense disconnect between the talent of the artist, and the recognition they receive. There are incredible artists I would fly to listen to, but they’ve struggled to live.
(There are economic reasons, the working class did not have disposable income until my parents’ generation, and even now there’s a preference to spend on material goods rather than transient experiences. I could also discourse about how education/literacy correlates with cultural taste but!! Social discourse is not the point of this post!!)
Zheng Yunlong talks about working in musicals, about how they had to cancel shows right before a premier, about failing to sell tickets so they had to gift tickets and even then people will not come. About a time they felt completely hopeless — when there were more people on stage than in the audience.
Yu Di is a teacher, and he made the comment that bel canto singers in China are either students or teachers. Students learn to sing bel canto, but they graduate and realise there is no stable career, and so become a teacher who then nurtures students who must either give up or become teachers. And so the cycle continues.
Wang Kai, working in the National Opera and wishing for an audience. Liao Jialin, who is famous for his memes but no one knows he’s classically trained. Cai Chengyu, Ma Jia, Jia Fan.
The talent is there. The performances are fantastic. But there is no market. And so, many have given up on their dreams.
Ayanga branched out from musicals into popular entertainment: albums, variety shows, competitions, CCTV performances, dramas, OSTs. I looked him up on wikipedia and was stunned by his productivity. But in interview he said that he would always introduce himself as ‘Musical Theatre Actor Ayanga’, because no matter how mainstream he gets, his ultimate goal is to lure people into loving musicals.
This was the purpose of Super Vocal. To give an audience to these kind of voices.
Shang Wenjie (host): Why did you decide to go on this show if you are already a mature performer?Zheng Yunlong: As an ordinary musical actor, I want more people to get to know me and the genre of musicals. I hope they are more willing to like musicals and walk into a theatre. This is what I want to achieve.
SWJ: At what point would you say you have succeeded?
ZYL: There is no end point.
尚雯婕：你已经是那么成熟的演员，为什么要来我们这个节目?
郑云龙：我想以一名普通的音乐剧演员的身份 让跟多人通过这个节目了解我 了解音乐剧。 我希望他们跟愿意喜欢音乐剧 走进剧场去看音乐剧。这是我想做的一件事。
尚雯婕：一觉的演到什么时候对你来说是个点
郑云龙：没有终点
Wang Kai: For those who pursue classical music, progress is long and slow, and results are also extremely slow to fruit. Anyone who persists until the point where they can finally go on stage and perform, have overcome so much hardship. But below the stage, there are only a handful in the audience.But because of [Super Vocal] more people learn to like classical music. So this program really has rescued opera and given my voice a new life.
王凯：我们学古典音乐的学习的过程中非常的漫长，出成绩也非常的漫长。每个人能坚持到最后站在歌剧舞台上 都是非常的艰辛。但是台下的观众 却是寥寥无几。但因为这个舞台让跟多的年轻人 也慢慢的喜欢上古典音乐。所以说这个栏目真的是拯救了古典剧音乐剧的舞台。给予了我歌唱的新生命。
These people go into a career where success and recognition are not guaranteed, in fact they do not expect it. I’m thinking about Ayanga leaving a government job where his salary is guaranteed for a lifetime, just to move to Beijing with ¥500, making the choice to major in musicals, at a time when no one in China watches musicals. Zheng Yunlong earning ¥800/month from acting when his rent is in the thousands, starting an office job to cover rent, and then quitting to go back to musicals.
I’m thinking about the kind of drive it takes to pursue something because you love it, even when the world is not looking. Even when the only person who can acknowledge your hard work, is yourself. The kind of person who could not live if they are not doing the thing they love.
If a stage looks effortless, how many days and nights did it take them to get there?
（台上一分钟，台下十年功 / ten years of work for a minute on stage)
Early on (after I got over the animal brain rabidity of listening to them sing) I noticed the demeanour of older contestants.
The younger ones were so cute, you could tell they were excited to be there. They cried when they lost, jumped when they won, clutched their heart waiting to be chosen, beamed with every word of praise.
But Zheng Yunlong, Ayanga, Yu Di, Wang Kai, Wang Xi. They smiled and reacted as needed. Graciously accepted the compliments, nodded at the criticism, and then sang their heart out. Outside of performances, they seemed unflappable, untouchable.
Actually.
It’s not like that. They weren’t cold.
The feeling is like. This show was a show to them, it’s a step in their life. They’re older, so they’ve already slugged through the lowest and most hopeless points of their life so words were words only. They know why they are here. They know what the judge are doing when they give criticism to set up a cliffhanger, or dramatically set up a duet for fanservice. They play along, but at the end, they are there to sing.
Let me try again.
I could tell, that their eyes were looking far above what was in front of them. That this kind of praise, from people who have only seen the stage, was not the most valuable praise to them.
In January I caught up with an old friend. It was the kind of friendship where we see each other once every two years, and each time we talk for hours, trying to dredge through our life, slowly leafing through the months, trying to summarise the passing of days.
I asked him what was something he was proud of. He paused and slowly confessed that he started producing music. He said: I’m not proud of it, not yet. So actually I haven’t told anyone about this because there’s nothing that is worthy of being shown, then at the look on my face, he laughed it off, It’s fine. I don’t mind. I get it. When you start something you’re going to be shit for a long time. You got to keep working at it. And then one day you have something to show. But in the beginning you just have to persevere in silence.
I remember how he learnt the guitar. He had practised until his fingers bled. But I’ve only seen the performance and the callouses.
I’ve been thinking about this.
In year 12, I attended the music showcase to support my friends. I just expected to watch, clap, eat, and go home, but in fact, I was stunned. I left school that evening with a feeling similar to what I’m trying to word now.
The music and drama classes were showcasing their final projects, performances they’ve been working on all year. It wasn’t the quality of the show — I had seen their skill and practices before — but to see them on stage that evening, I was swept with pride and respect and nostalgia. I just kept thinking, ah, you’ve grown.
These were girls I had grown up with, I’ve known some of them since I was 5. I don’t remember what they sang or what they wore, but I remember the feeling, this feeling.
I’ve seen them in countless maths classes, heard their answers and questions. We had bought lunch together and sat in the shade beneath the tree that is no longer there. We had turned up to school at 8am on Mondays to practice songs for chapel, we rolled our eyes in music class, charged down the stairs to snatch the practice room with the best pianos. We were been best friends in Year 4, we laughed and chased each other in the playground playing 24 is in or cops and robbers against the gymnasium wall that is also, no longer there. We had walked to the library during lunch and shared colour pencils and raced to see who could change out of PE gear the fasted. I remember how their laughter always ended in a snort, the way they organised their desk tray for open day, how they had the nickname strawberry princess in year 1.
It’s the feeling, of having known them as a child, and then seeing them on stage, confident and accomplished. It wasn’t about the performance, it didn’t matter how well they sang or played.
What matters to me is that it was them.
I can’t find a word for it, in any of the languages that I know. I can only describe it and hope that I am understood.
Ayanga and Zheng Yunlong were classmates and roommates in university. In this interview, they talk about how they always watch each others’ musicals. But they never compliment each other. Never say words like “well done” or “you’re so cool” (men) — but they understand each other because they have both walked the same road for 10 years. They get it.
When you’ve seen someone with shit hair and pimples and a bratty personality, have practiced with them for hours on end, heard them struggle to pay rent, fail to sell tickets, seen them on cringy travel shows, then back to practice. When you see them perform as a professional — that feeling.
I think this is the feeling inside Jeonghan and Seungkwan when they see Seokmin sing.
To hear “you’ve worked hard” from someone who knows you.
That feeling.
“The one basking in infinite glory is you. The one fallen from grace is also you. What matters is “you” and not the state of you.”
“对我来说，风光无限的是你，跌落尘埃的也是你重点是“你”,而不是怎么怎样的你。”
Heaven's Official Blessing / Moxiang Tongxiu
Where am I now?
It’s been over a month since I’ve watched Super Vocal. I’m still listening to the songs every day (hah), but it’s made me reflect on my own life.
I don’t want to be complacent with myself. I don’t want to give up when life gets hard or if my work doesn’t get praised. I want to be grounded in myself. I want to be able to work quietly and grow without fanfare. I want to reflect and recognise my own growth.
But, I want to make sure I recognise the people who work quietly. Who keep their head down and continue to grind. I want to acknowledge, not just the hours behind a piece of work, but also the years of discipline to reach that point.
I want that feeling, to look at someone and see, not just the person, but the road behind and before them.
(P.S if anyone wants to start watching SV, it’s subbed on dailymotion, there’s subs on YT but there are syncing problems)
- Yuncifang ship primer thread (Ayanga/Zheng Yunlong)
- my favourite Super Vocal songs: the sound of silence, 月弯弯/moonlight, happy heart, les rois du monde, 故乡的云/clouds of my homeland
*full disclosure: animal part of the brain is still obsessed with the Ayanga/Zheng Yunlong ship + all the singers, the songs, all the songs after the show, all the other shows they've been on, and the musical Rent. But that’s for a different post hahaha
no subject
Date: 8 April 2021 03:03 am (UTC)I’m thinking about the kind of drive it takes to pursue something because you love it, even when the world is not looking. <333 Our passions are valuable even if nobody else acknowledges them. I feel like I needed this reminder.
It’s so cool how you linked these different anecdotes from your own life back to Super Vocal and the culture around the show. I feel like I learned things, about musicals in China and perseverance and different stages of following a dream! As always, getting a peek into your thoughts is a gift!!
no subject
Date: 27 April 2021 02:30 pm (UTC)When I read this comment it made me so happy <33 ofc, to hear your thoughts, but mainly that giddy feeling when a friend takes interest in your interest so, please forgive me for the essay, my excitement exploded!
I took note of the songs you liked and made you a playlist! All the songs below + the ones you mentioned are in there.
Ahhh, the singers in moonlight KLAVIER YOU HIT A MINE
Zhou Shen is a tiny 161cm boy with the national nickname of "angel-kissed voice". He's v active so there's lots of content and songs. He does a lot of OSTs (he did one for Untamed!), and the most beautiful of them all is the theme song of Big Fish and Begonia. His tone colour makes me cry because he breathes the music into life. He has amazing control and sensitivity and even the way he sighs enhances the melody.
I've also included my favourite 和光同尘 / together in glory and ashes and a stage where he sang the theme of Spirited Away, in Japanese!
+ WANG XI is the bass singer!! Kinda mysterious? Appears on shows here and there and releases albums. Has a 'bar singer' kind of vibe. Apparently likes to wash dishes. I've included his audition song 一生守候 / a lifetime of waiting which he sang to propose to his wife. He appeared on a lot of group stages and people compare him to a double bass because whenever he sings people can feel it in their chest (e.g. auld lang syne)
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Zhou Shen + Wang Xi didn't get to collaborate until late in the show but it was sooooo anticipated. People heard Zhou Shen, heard Wang Xi, and needed to hear them together. Moonlight was their first and only duet, but before they were also on Hawthorn Tree (a 50s Soviet song that became a chinese classic. About a love triangle 'two youths are waiting for me under the hawthorn tree // white flowers in full blossom / oh hawthorn tree why are you so sad') GIRL ASKS TREE. TREE LOOKS AT GIRL. WHY AM I THINKING OF SOONHAO DOOM DAZE.
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forgive me if I rec 3 more...
ed: backstory to this duet!! Lu Yupeng (1st singer) didn't do well on his audition, and Jia Fan came up to him and asked what was wrong - they play around backstage and Jia Fan knows what LYP can do. (LYP: I get anxious when I sing // JF: but you don't sound like that when we practise? // LYP: when I sing with you I don't feel afraid) ;___; when they had to choose duet partners Jia Fan chose Lu YuPeng because "I love his voice and I want the world to hear what I hear. " ;________;
This particular poem was used as a university motto for university that was established during an uprising (Boxer Rebellion) - so the hosts talk about how the ‘pride’ in the song is not just nationalism, it’s about perseverance against odds - just imagine choosing to go to university when the country is at war - how much hope must you have to just sit down and learn (’The sun and the moon can not stop turning, but can they turn forever? How far is forever? It is made of infinite seconds').
To illustrate, one of the hosts talked about the past. The classroom ceilings were made of tin so when it rained, the droplets thundered. If the teaches wanted to continue, they had to yell to be heard above that roar. To sing this song, you must have persistence and dignity.
* this is classical chinese so the meaning is ambiguous - brain is dead so I can't pin it down. If you like any of the songs I will translate the lyrics for you!
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//end. Oh dear it’s past my bedtime. I still have so much to reply to! (comment on fic! comment on CONFESSION SCENE TEMPEST FIC). This is absolutely not a pick up line but you are on my to-do list haha. Have a good week!
no subject
Date: 9 April 2021 06:33 am (UTC)the rest of this was written beautifully, i want to cheer you on through the walking.
(also part of me is very much still caught up in yuncifang too lol)
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Date: 16 April 2021 01:34 pm (UTC)Yeah, the invisible work behind a simple stage. They were only up there for a season but so many of them have just been quietly growing and working. Thank you for sharing!! ;___; I get that impression with my experiences of music as well. The people who go the furthest don't instagram every practice or flaunt their skills, they just, put in the hours and keep going. You listen to them play a song again after a month and know that they've practiced to improved but it's only the people who are in the field, that understand what it takes. +++ the feeling when you see how small their audience is, you don't get appreciated until you are good/lucky but you have to keep going regardless. I definitely cried at the end of the show.
(tell me about it... eng fandom tiny but content impossibly filling)
no subject
Date: 19 April 2021 02:02 pm (UTC)THE CHICKEN GAME this is so chaotic please watch these classically trained singers falling over themselves. sorry I don't think there's eng subs out there ;___; goal of the game is to protect the chicken king by fighting other chickens. there's banter and alliances and declarations of war but my favourite moment is when [XYZ] and everyone collapses in laughter.
for backstage stuff!
- generally you can search <声入人心 后台> for backstage stuff or <声入人行 花絮> for bloopers. mango tv has a lot uploaded!
- this is one of my favourites! zhou shen asking ayanga to sing a song with him "that guy", and Ayanga teases him saying "what guy?" + plays around with puns and tries to figure out a key AND THEY SING AND HARMONISE!!
- some kids (tong zuo, cai chengyu, jia fan) messing around in a car park, singing folk songs in a meme way with their opera voices <3
- cai chengyu: today I will show you the meaning of alcohol tolerance // 5 minutes later // half an hour later
- there's also the infamous libiamo perf which was the absolute trainwreck....
- backstory: some rich producer wanted them to sing this song.... they really didn't want to bc this is a bel canto tenor song, out of the 6, only 3 are classical singers (wang xi is ballad/popular, ayanga/zyl are musicals), jia fan is a baritone so he never had to learn it, cai chengyu is too long so he hasn't learnt it yet and ma jia.... only knows the original italian HAHA so actually none of them knew the song.
- start of the performance, ccy messes up the rhythm and ma jia was so shocked + focused on regaining the rhythm he forgot all the lyrics and had to make it up on the spot ... as you can see... everyone started making up lyrics... Ayanga only sings one line... they regain the rhythm... and CCY ENTERS TOO EARLY! AGAIN!! messing up the rhythm. CCY starts clapping.. out of beat.... Wang Xi... who is a bass... stands in center position for a tenor song, is at a loss. And the end everyone just sings 'lalalala' when the original song doesn't even have one la.
I still have more thoughts but! need to sleep, will come back later <3
no subject
Date: 11 May 2021 04:13 am (UTC)that performance made me laugh so much !!!! and your summary of it? perfect. zhou shen and ayanga are so funny, and I have that chicken game tabbed for when I get a free minute!!
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Date: 26 April 2021 12:31 pm (UTC)after devouring official content I dived into the singers' uploads and discovered another side to srrx ;____; I realised that to them, the 100 days had the vibe of a summer camp, you're surrounded by people like you, you're pushed to your limits, but you're in it together and at the end you have so many precious memories of late nights and take outs and bus rides and just, the magic of the mundane routine but it's a routine that can only exist once in your life.
(yu di's vlog where you can see them messing around in the hotel， and ju hong chuan singing 'goodbye' a solo song he did during the show but this time he had his bags packed and were about to leave so he sat down on the hotel bed and sang one last time through tears ;____; I really felt that vibe of a goodbye on the last day of a summer camp, or a graduation)
I recently discovered 'don't say goodbye'! if you remember, Jian Hongyi was a songwriter and he actually wrote a song for the 36 of them ;____; all 36 voices feature and the lyrics are so beautiful
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Date: 11 May 2021 04:17 am (UTC)a summer camp vibe sounds exactly right !!! I know I've mentioned it before, but they really do remind me of the best parts of hanging around the music building/my music friends. I feel so fond this night T_____T
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Date: 21 February 2022 02:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 22 February 2022 10:25 am (UTC)