hwarium | why I'm writing again

Finishing weight of heaven is a personal milestone since it’s my first fic to pass 10k words. 2016-2017, I had tried again and again but couldn’t do it, either the plot would escape me or I would frustrate myself. Additionally, it’s also the first thing I’ve written since April 2018, and the first time I’ve kept writing as a hobby since 2016.

I got into the habit again recently, around August because I fell into fandom again. Weight of heaven itself took 4 months on-off between September and December, and then a mad dash during the first week of the year. I love it, I would spend my commutes brainstorming what to write next and look at bookshops as repositories of ideas rather than merchandise. When a class sucked I would write lines instead of taking notes. I love the feeling of going to a cafe with a purpose (1000 words, 3 alternate endings, writing goals) and the careful, consistent plod onwards. Well, I don’t love staring at the same scene for half an hour writing and rewriting without progress, but I love how doing little bit everyday can build something beautiful.

Something happened in October that made me reconsider why I wrote. I left the following comment on a fic that resonated with me, miuyi’s circles:

[I reread your fic because I had my high school reunion and found out a classmate died recently.] No one knew except one. There was nothing on her facebook, no public condolences or announcements from the school. I didn't even notice when she stopped posting on instagram. It would be such a quiet, subdued passing except for the fact she was murdered and it had made the front pages, one of those big things you remember for a day. A friend had driven past the location and made the comment: 'Ah, someone died there'. And now I know it was her.

I thought about the way she died, the bright, brilliant way she had lived, and then I thought about my memories of her from high school. And it was such a hollow, hazy thing, full of softness and uncertainty. We were so unsure of ourselves then. We were young, unformed shapes that bonded over undoable homework and ramen lunches, bad uniforms and early mornings. Things that don't matter anymore.

We weren't close and I haven't thought of her in years, and I doubt she thought about me either. But I thought about Wonwoo's memory of Seungcheol, of 1st year Jeonghan and Jun in university, and then all of them all these years later, at Seungcheol's wedding. I'm feeling something like nostalgia, but for a future that is yet to come for me, when I'm far away from a youth that I no longer remember. I wonder if I will remember her in 20 years. Not just her name, but also the way she passed handouts in extension 1 maths like it surprised her.

I got a similar feeling on this reading of circles, (but maybe I'm projecting onto Wonwoo), it's the sudden feeling when you're aware of time passing and the world moving on, your friends moving on. Where you're thinking about something your friends can't see and possibly won't understand. I had volleyball today with a totally separate group of friends, friends that I made this year, and I felt so heavy, knowing that I can't turn to them and say 'Hey, my classmate passed away', and somehow explain what this loss means to me. It's like Wonwoo holding onto Seungcheol, meeting Jun, getting teased by Soonyoung -- and have no one understand the weight of this private matter (except Jeonghan, I'm so fond of that wedding scene).

So reading this again brought me a lot of consolation, thank you.

I wrote because I couldn’t stop thinking about my own mortality. I had spent a bus ride trying to remember my classmate. We probably spent at least a hundred hours together over the course of two years, but only two memories could be dredged up by my mind.

I then thought about my high school years. How my friends would tease each other in every class, the inside jokes with our teachers, the price of a lasagne from the canteen. I tried to list the friends I made at the library. I even thought about my test results. Things I used to know off by heart.

Those were some of the happiest days of my life, but it was so difficult to remember. And I realised that with every year onwards, it would be more and more difficult. Not only will I lose a memory, I am losing a state of mind. What were my worries then? How did I talk? Why did I have a crush on someone just because I liked the way they explained their maths working out?

I'm terrified of forgetting. When I write, I add in parts of myself, so that there will forever me a part of me out there.

Sulli passed away around this time. Life is full of indescribable feelings that I want to capture and pin down with words and the feeling I felt when Sulli died, I couldn’t express it in a tweet. Everything I wanted to say I felt obliged to preface with grief. But I wasn’t grieving, her life was removed from mine and I’ve always kept celebrities at arm’s length from my heart. I grew up with f(x) though, followed their comebacks from Hot Summer to 4 Walls, watched their rising and fading. I noticed Sulli’s career and the articles that would accompany it. Her death was not like Jonghyun’s, who was near universally loved, and whose suicide was a surprise. I saw the tweets of support and I wanted to cry where were you when she lived.

Instead, I wrote weight of heaven. It wasn’t about Sulli, it was about Jeonghan of course, but I was working through the thoughts that have bothered me for months. And then I was working through the thoughts that have bothered me for years. About fame, about love, about expectations and personal identity. Instead of explaining how I felt, I wanted to show it. It feels safer that way.

why I'm writing again

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